Mothers

Not sure if everyone knows but my mother and I haven't always got along; we have a very difficult past and some things she has done is hard for me to look over. In the event of trying to truly remake myself, I am trying to give her a second chance. I've already done this and she didn't exactly take it seriously, but she is changing herself too. She got a job, which she hasn't had in 4 years. The job she got is really hard too and I'm really proud of her.

She messaged me and asked to meet up for coffee, so I said yes. I'm really scared for this, but God teaches us to forgive, rather than hold anger.
Saturday after work I am meeting her at my auntie Maria's house, and we are gonna go to coffee, maybe go to the mall, and go grochery shopping. I'm excited.
I'm trying to let go of the past and just try to look at the future. I'm remaking myself and this is part of the process.

Raging

I was trying to make my blog all about positive things, but right now I am so frustrated and aggraviated I can't hold it in any longer.

A lot of people live with depression. I am one of them. No, I am not writing this so it will sound sappy or I am doing this for attention. It goes with my up coming paragraphs. They changed my depression meds recently. The doctor actually gave me a medicine I was allergic to, and now I have to go back to get different meds, so I'm on nothing. My depression has sky-rocketed the last few weeks. Last night and today have been the worse days so far. I cried myself to sleep and today I haven't been able to go more than a few hours without tears falling.

Teachers are suppose to be the people who are there in the school to support you. They are suppose to ask you what's wrong and let you know that there are people who can help you and people you can talk to.

I have Mr. Someone for 7th period. Most of the time he jokes around with me and says rude things, and I can handle it. I brush it off and try not to let it get to me. Today though, he grabbed the back of my backpack and pulled on it. I just said to him,
"I'm not in the mood."
I didn't say it rudely either. I just simply stated the fact I wasn't in the mood for his rude comments and games today. His reply was,
"You arent' in the mood? You think that you are the only one not it the mood? I'm never in the mood. Just leave. Zeros are great for the grade book. Just leave and take a zero." This is the part I don't understand. I didn't say anything rude, or do anything wrong and yet this is just the way my life seems to work out. He has no idea about the things I am going through. No one does, and I'm not about to display them, but my point is this: You have no idea what is going on with people and in there lives, you can't just treat them like dirt when you want to. People have emotions and people have lives past school work, and they have problems.

Babies!

My work life is normally pretty boring. I work in the very back of the store at the dressing room, and when people come in asking to try on clothes I count their items and hand them a number tag. Doesn't get much more boring than that. The only time it gets exciting is when the occasional thief comes back with 1/2 clearance items, and 1/2 non clearance items and they decided to ticket switch. The other only time it gets exciting is when mothers and fathers with new born babies or toddlers come back!

Tuesday night while I was standing there behind the fitting room stand, coloring on a sticky note and being naughty, this vibrant couple comes into the fitting room with a small 7 month old baby girl. (: I couldn't help but smile the biggest smile at her. I have a soft spot in my heart for kids; I always have and probably always will. That's one of the reasons I am persuing NICU nursing. Anyways, that is a moot point right now. The mother went in the dressing room with some items and
the father stayed out in the waiting area with their baby girl, Lily. She was so sweet looking. She wore a pink polka doted skirt with tights and a white little shirt, and was chewing on everything she could get her mouth around. I talked to her father for a bit, just making friendly conversation about their baby and random things. The mother came back out and the father left to go look for some things for himself. She stayed in the fitting room with Lily and waited. As she was waiting, Lily kept looking at me and smiling. Her mother looked at me and said,
"Wow, she really likes you."
It made me smile so big. She came over with Lily and placed her little body on top of the fitting room stand and I got to tickle her and play with her. She kept drooling everywhere, which was a little gross, but she was still so adorable. She told her she had another son, and we dicussed how I wanted to have kids but I was afraid to take care of them at this age. She gave me some helpful little tips, and we truly enjoyed each others company. The father came back with a sweatshirt that didn't fit and then they left.
I understand that motherhood will be the biggest challenge I will ever face, but that mother had gone through some intense things and she still was managing to raise her daugher. It made me think that,
"You know what, I can raise a child, and I can do anything I set my mind to."

The Adventures.

Panaramic view of the city of Duluth, Minnesota

Has somone ever told you, "Just go with the flow." Maybe you are one of those people who have the "Go with the flow," vibe. I am NOT one of those people. When someone tells me,
 "Just go with the flow!" I literally want to punch them in the face.
I am the type of person has to have every single thing known, prepared, percise, and everything on point. If I'm staying at a friends house, I pack my bag according to what I might want to where if it's nice out, if it's cold out, or if it's raining. I pack my hair straightner and my curling iron because you just never know what you might feel that day. I pack extra everything for those, "just in case" moments. In my car I keep an emergency bag, water, snacks, and blankets because you never know what might happen. You could possibly get stranded in the middle of nowhere in the cold winter, your phone could be dead, and you are stuck. Up a creek and without a paddle screwed.

St. Scholastica Campus

You can see my dilema now, because in 3 months I will be headed to Minnesota to live there and go to college. I'll be living a town I don't know, at first I will have no place to stay, I won't have my car because we are taking only one vehicle, and no job. The only thing I know is that I will be going to St. Scholastica in August. This is terrifying to me. I am trying to get past it though, and intead of having my anxiety consume me, I am trying to try that, "Go with the flow," vibe. I know that I have friends there, and my fiance's amazing family there if we need them. I know I will have support, and money to get there. That's really all you need to know, because that's what makes life. The unknown and the adventures.

Enjoy little things

Alex had just got done working the night shift, and after school I went to go see him. Obviously he was exhausted because he worked all night, so I just cuddled under the covers next to him and let him continue his slumber. At first, I was quietly doing my homework but seeing him so fast asleep and serine, I feel asleep too.

I've always suffered from bad nightmares. People say, "It's just nightmares." But, when you wake up three, four, and five times a night screaming, crying and too afraid to go back to sleep because of what you'll dream, it's suffering. While I lay there sleeping next to Alex, I have one of those crazy awful nightmares. Normally when I sleep with him I don't get nightmares. It's odd, I know, but truly I don't. So, when I woke up breathing heavy and afraid, I was actually surprised. I looked over, and Alex was still sound asleep facing the wall. I was scared though, and I didn't wanna go back to sleep.

"Alex.." I whispered to him, and he automatically woke up and rolled over.
"What? What's Wrong?" He knew something had to be wrong cause I normally don't awake him from sleeping unless there is.
"I had a nightmare.." He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight. In a sweet, soft voice he said,
"It's okay. I got you." In this moment, I felt safe. I felt loved, and warm inside. I nudged my head against his chest and closed my eyes.
"I love you." I said, It just seemed like the most approriate reply because of the way he made me feel inside.
"Mmmm, I love you too." He said back to me in his sleepy tone. I feel asleep a little while after. I've learned to appreciate these small moments. In the end, these small moments some of us may think are insignificant are the only things that will matter. It won't be what grade you got on a test, whether or not your laundry is done, or anything else we think is important. It's the little moments with the people that we love that count; that matters in the long run. These moments are what warm our soul, make our heart flutter, and put smiles on our faces. So, just enjoy the little moments that you may think don't make a difference, because they do.

Life's funny in some ways

Life hits you with hard obstacles. All the things you think you've ever wanted in life changes in a moment. I strived to get into a college of my dreams, and guess what? I got in. You would think that that was it? Yes, I got in! Wrong. Life hits you like a swirling tornado. There is so many other things that factor into this moment; you realize that the things you want in life are harder to achieve then you thought. 

St. Scholastica is the college of my dreams. An amazing school, most people that have graduated from there make almost 6 figures or they do 6 figures. Great people, great area, and a place that is close to home. A dream. Only, is it close enough? That's what my inner demons are battling. The location of my school is in Minnesota, but just because it's in Minnesota it doesn't necessarily mean that it's the RIGHT location. Living in Maine has been great this year, but with every second I'm here thousands of miles away.  I can hear my heart breaking piece by piece. My one true love, my little brother, is there without me; here I am without him. Being close to him is what I need, and Duluth is a hour if not farther from him. I've been away so long I don't need to be gone longer than I have to. Have you ever had that? The gut wrenching and stomach twisting, heart stopping, sad feeling about a person that you can't be with? That every time you are in a store and you hear someone that sounds just like them, your heart stops and then starts beating a mile a minute. You get goosebumps and you start smiling, searching the store because you swear it' them. I think most of us have had this at least once. Whether it was a girlfriend/boyfriend you can't get out of your brain, or it's a love one that is no longer with us; most of us have thought they heard their voice somewhere. For me, this is an ongoing 24/7 thing. 

The most frustrating part is that I got accepted to another school closer, but it's a community college. Which, is fine but it isn't what I wanted. I need to think about everyone else in my life as well. It's hard though. Half of me wants to just take the selfish route. Go to the college of my dreams, get that kick-ass job, and live an amazing life. The other half of me just wants to be around my love ones, and be happy. Which one do I choose? Alex, my amazing self-less fiance, he wants to be able to see his friends he hasn't seen in a year and be around his family. I should respect that. He moved to Maine for me, so I should make this sacrifice for him. I should pick the self-less route. I will still be getting a higher education which is the only important part, isn't it? The college I go to shouldn't be the important part. I'll be around my family, his family, both of our friends, and I'll be with the man I love. That should be the most important part, and eventually it will be. Not the life choices I make or you make, but who I make them with and who you make them with. Your family and the people who mean something to you is what you should value in life, and that is what I am going to do. Not value the materialistic things.